I don’t care.

Some people have asked why I write this blog. Why I care about how people use twitter. Isn’t this just a colossal waste of time, and all that.

I started this blog because I saw something funny on twitter, and wanted to tell someone about it. And then there was another. So, I thought, why not create a blog, and when I see something funny on twitter, I’ll just share it. So I did.

I’ve found a bunch of things on twitter that are so awful they make me scream with glee. Some things that are so hilarious to me that I can’t sit back and ignore them. They HAVE TO be shared. Here’s what I’ve discovered over the past couple of years: some people get it, and a lot of others really don’t.

I don’t care.

I write for me. If you don’t like what I have to say, check out Jackass Letters, The Bloggess, or Tremendous News. Each one of them is funnier without trying than I am on my best day.

Some people laugh at the garbage I write. Those people need more help than I can give. Don’t make any sudden moves around them. You never know what’s going to happen next. They’re my loyal readers, though, so please treat them kindly.

I’m going to still post on here when the mood strikes. The next time I run across something on twitter that makes me wet my pants, you’ll know about it.

The truth, though, while we’re at it?

I don’t care how you use twitter. I don’t care what you use it for. If you want to get 8 billion followers and post a ton of sponsored tweets; sell your soul to the devil of commerce while you sell your followers’ attention to the highest bidder, go right ahead. I don’t care. I won’t follow you. And, if you sneak into my twitter stream by being social, and then build an astronomical following by playing all those numbers games, just so you can make a buck off of me, I’ll unfollow. If you spam me, I’ll block you. And, if you’re a celebrity, or have a private account, I won’t follow you back. Those are my rules for me. You can do whatever you want.

I don’t care.

I get on to twitter to socialize and have a good time. It happens every time I’m there, because to me, twitter is one giant cocktail party. Sometimes there’s an open bar and all the most fun people show up. Other times, it’s just me and the bartender. Either way, I have a couple of laughs, and move on, and hope you can do the same.

I’ve met some great people on twitter. Some who make me laugh. Some who make me think. People who listen when things don’t go well, and cheer when it all goes right. I never would have met any of them if twitter hadn’t been invented. Twitter is an awesome playground, and I feel privileged to have found so many wonderful playmates.

And, to the rest, who think I’m a jerk, or not funny, or mistakenly believe I’m trying to tell people what to do – the ones who don’t get me at all? Don’t follow me.

I don’t care.

We want to make one thing perfectly clear: Smiling Bob is the creepiest pitch man for any product on tv or anywhere else, ever. The commercial at the holidays with all the ladies who want to sit on Santa Bob’s lap? It almost put us off television permanently. Yet another reason to hate Christmas.

Is there a real woman, anywhere in the world who actually finds Bob sexy? Who is supposed to swoon at his idiotic grin – the gals on the golf course who admire the long drive of his wood, or the men who coveted the straight shaft of his 9 iron? And, if Bob was such a big guy, how was he supposed to get around such an impediment to a perfect stroke?

So, what about Bob?

Our friend and Honorary Fail Bird Handler, @jackassletters, alerted us to @SmilingBobSays the other day. Just like a bunch of people who heard that twitter is the place to arouse customer interest, grow your base, and lengthen your reach, Enzyte put Bob to the task of erecting a social media presence. We’re not sure what kind of training they gave him, but for a stellar performance, you need to at least bone up on the basics. Apparently, Bob couldn’t deal with the stiff demands of the job, because he ended up looking like a tool.

Smiling Bob’s account hasn’t been updated since November 10, 2009. We guessing he got completely overwhelmed by the responsibility and can no longer keep it up.

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By the way, read @jackassletters letter to Enzyte here. It’s way funnier than this post.

And, we gotta say, his hands are gigantic. Don’t know how he can even type with those things.

That’s a nasty code you have there.

Looks like your robot just sneezed all over your twitter stream.

A clear case of “artificial intelligence” riding the short bus.

Retweets are a great way to share with your followers the tweets of people you follow. They’re a nice way of saying, “Hey, you said something interesting, and I want my followers to meet you.” And, for those devoid of original thought, retweeting something helps them feel as if they’re contributing to the global conversation.

And then, there’s retweets like these where the thread breaks down irreparably like an electronic version of the telephone game, and we wonder, what exactly did she say?

This is our top 5 list for today. It will probably be different tomorrow. Every day, new people discover twitter, and bring all kinds of new things on board. Some will be wonderful. Some will be disastrous. We’ll be here to sort them for you.

The five things we are absolutely, completely, and totally so done hearing about are:

1. What you ate for breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack or hope to eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack, or what you’re really hungry for, for breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack. Here’s a tip: if you tweet about what you brought for lunch, and it’s gone by the time you check the fridge, someone close by is watching your stream. The rest of us, unless it is absolutely awesome, and it’s an invitation to join you, really don’t want to know.

2. How many tweets you’ve posted. Sigh. This is so obvious, it’s painful. We can see your totals by looking at your twitter stats, or clicking your name in TweetDeck, or Seesmic, or whatever. Tweeting is not rocket science. The only equipment required to post a bunch of tweets is time and a keyboard. And talent? Seriously, have you read the public timeline?

3. Where you are right now. Yes, there are lots of applications that will let you update your twitter account with your current location. Nobody really cares where you are, except for the guy who’s waiting to rob your house.

4. Twitter is down, or over capacity, or you couldn’t post for 5 minutes. Sit back from the keyboard. Take a deep breath. This, too, will pass. When twitter is over capacity and you tweet about it, you are part of the problem!

5. Inspirational quotes, one-liners, old jokes, witty sayings, quip of the day, and every other trite bit o’ garbage that people tweet when they have absolutely nothing to say, yet feel the need to post just so people will know they are still alive. If every one of those hackneyed phrases were connected end-to-end, they’d circle @Oprah‘s equator about 100 million times. If you don’t have an original thought, it’s okay to say nothing at all.

We haven’t forgotten spam. Everyone hates spam, so we really didn’t need to mention it. Except we just did. There are about 80 zillion other things to add to this list. Stick your favorites in the comments.

We gotta go. It’s just about snack time, and we’re going to have…

Nevermind.