On twitter, you can be anyone you want, as long as you’re not somebody else.

Twitter introduced “verified accounts” in 2009, in response to the hordes of celebrities flooding the service in search of even more attention. Okay, officially, they said, “Verification is currently used to establish authenticity of identities on Twitter. The goal of this program is to limit user confusion by making it easier to identify authentic accounts on Twitter.” In other words, there were a lot of losers pretending to be celebrities, and the celebrities didn’t like it. So, twitter gave them what every celeb pines for: Another award, in the form of a little blue check mark next to their name. Like this:

To get a verified account, you just had to fill out a form, proving your worthiness. We’re guessing twitter discontinued that process because they were overrun with applications from complete unknowns who needed someone to prove they exist. They are still verifying accounts, but you have to be famous or otherwise important enough to show up on their radar. Begging won’t work.

Not to fret, all you pathetic non-celebrities! Just like the ladies who carry counterfeit Louis Vuitton bags, pretending to be dripping in cash, there are plenty of “verified by twitter” knockoffs you can get, when you’re not famous enough for the real thing.

Take your choice:

The big and the bold. A check mark that won’t go unnoticed

Small, and understated. Or pathetic and whiny. Your call.

Department of Redundancy Department checkmark

Checkmark? I don’t need no stinking checkmark! I’M VERIFIED!

Of all the fake-verified accounts, this is our favorite:
I verify I’m verified

The persona you create on twitter can be as real or fake as you like. If you want to be original, unique, or special, the best persona you can create is the one you wear in real life. If you’re real, and fun, and interesting, you’ll be rewarded with interaction, and friendships of the sort that live in the short attention span theater of the timeline. The connections you make by being you will be worth much more than a silly little icon.

Huge, monumental, world-changing event today. In case you haven’t heard, Steve Jobs quit his job at Apple. Millions of Apple fanatics are in despair, and yet, the world still revolves on its axis.

Why should you care? We’re trying to find a reason, and it escapes us. Yeah, he did some pretty amazing things with computers, and we love computers almost as much as our family, okay, sometimes way more than our family, but it’s just computers.

One of those lost souls (who we were following, who was following us) waxed poetic in an endless stream of tweets about the hero, Steve Jobs. We responded with “Comparing innovation to the people who put their life on the line? Steve Jobs is no hero.” And then, the dude totally lost it. (We’re not posting the actual tweets here, because we don’t have enough money to pay for his therapy.) He complained about being attacked by strangers on twitter, and said (even though he has nearly 50,000 tweets) “this is why I don’t post on twitter very often.” (cue laughter)

Seriously, dude, get over it. Your announcement that you’re thinking of leaving twitter is so Stephen Fry. Whining until your followers (who think you’re somebody important because you have a lot of followers, and follow you because you have a lot of followers) begged you not to leave is too emo for words. And then, your post: “I have closed my Twitter account. If you want to follow me, you can now find me at twitterstar.com. Thank you.” while you continue to post on twitter, is downright pathetic.

We’ll stop picking on Steve Job’s love child for a moment and focus on the big picture, because we see this happen all the time.

The truth of the matter is… it’s only 140 characters. Unless you’re a professional copywriter with a couple of Masters Degrees (Hi Susan!) or have written, edited, rewritten, reviewed, and rewritten that tweet again before posting it, there’s a 99.9999999% chance someone, and most likely lots of someones, will misunderstand, misconstrue, disagree with, and quote out of context in order to make you look stupid, your simple tweet. There’s just no way to perfectly convey the perfect thought consistently 50,000 times. And to expect that everyone is going to agree with you, understand the deeper meaning you’re trying to convey, and support your every word is absolute lunacy.

It’s just twitter.

If the same words were said face-to-face, you’d hear the inflection, read the body language, and most likely, enter into a conversation. Unless you’re a total douche-canoe. In which case, we’re glad we stopped following you.

Deal with it.

Without a complicated series of emoticons, it’s pretty hard to phrase something in the exact way necessary to make sure everyone is in perfect agreement, and nobody’s feelings are hurt. In fact, it would be pretty boring if we tried to make it so. The misunderstandings and confusion are part of the general chaos that makes twitter so wonderful.

Preserve your little piece of sanity. Step back, switch to Google+ or Facebook, and chill. It’s all just a few words on the screen between people who know each other very superficially. When you come back in 5 minutes or 5 months, twitter will be more or less the same as you left it, and we probably won’t even notice you weren’t there.

And, to Steve Jobs, if you’re reading this (as if): You did a darned good job at that computer company. Your marketing genius turned customers into crazy fans who now can’t even bring themselves to play D&D until they know for sure what you’re going to do next. We should all be so talented, and loved. Good luck dude, and good health.

Tired of working your fingers to the bone updating your status on twitter?

Wish you could tweet 24/7, but don’t always have both hands free?

Frustrated that you sometimes have to go offline, and your twitter account goes for a full minute, or gasp! an hour without an update?

We have the answer for you!

Introducing the Butt Tweeter ^TM. Put this handy device in your back pocket and let your buns do the talking.

Listen to what some of our happy customers have to say:

@argylejegirl: I no longer have to worry about fumbling on the field. With New Butt Tweeter, it’s easy to keep score.

Butt Tweeter ^TM is the only texting device approved for use while driving. Don’t let a quick trip to the store interrupt your valuable twitter time!

Got a quick question?

Want to give instant feedback?

Butt Tweeter ^TM is the only hands-free device that works every time, everywhere, all day long!

@sarahbellumd says: Who needs high priced tutors? With Butt Tweeter, I can do math anywhere, anytime, and my grades have never been better!

Can’t tweet in class, in church, or at the dinner table? With Butt Tweeter ^TM, you’ll be able to tweet 24/7, and tell everyone exactly how you feel, no matter where you are!

How does it work? Just install our free Butt Tweeter ^TM application on any SMS-enabled device or smartphone, place the phone in your back pocket, and you’re good to go.

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What are you waiting for? Get your Butt Tweeter ^TM today, and keep on tweeting!

Disclaimer: Some assembly required. Your mileage may vary.  Use of Butt Tweeter ^TM with drugs or alcohol may result in negative repercussions. Do not use in the shower, or while sleeping. Don’t take wooden nickels. Removal of this tag may be punishable by law. Not for use by anyone under the age of 18, or over the age of 65. Batteries not included. No animals were harmed in testing this device. No warranty is made to the accuracy of any statements herein. Consult a doctor before using. Remember the Alamo.

Whenever the Fail Bird Handler is singing, husband brings her a pain pill. Evidently, twitter feels the same way.

Everyone’s a critic.

Everybody, Dave. Everybody’s dead, Dave. They’re all dead. Everybody’s dead, Dave.

…and so began the best scifi comedy series, ever.

Which brings us to LOST, which wasn’t a comedy at all. Or, so we assume. We watched part of the first episode, and kept up with the story line by watching The Soup. Just in case we missed something, our friend, @tremendousnews recapped the full 6 seasons in 60 seconds. He’s a genius.

Sorry, we probably should have said “spoiler alert.” But, in case you missed it, they’re all dead. Were dead the whole time. We’re guessing the writers were hallucinating their way through another season when the brass upstairs told them they had to bring this to a close. Suspension of disbelief can evidently be stretched just so far. So, like all good writers, they hunkered down to wrap everything up, all nice and clean.

Ha! We’re kidding. They were so far out on a limb, there was nothing left but air, so they thought, “what the hell, we’ll just say they were dead all the time. Kind of a Jacob’s Ladder-Dallas-Sixth Sense sort of thing. But with spooky smoke monsters and hugging. It will be awesome!”

Why didn’t we watch Lost? Because we hate remakes, and Gilligan’s Island was a Classic. It’s a pretty safe bet that Lost never featured a computer made with coconuts and bamboo. And, you never saw anyone on Lost in an evening gown. You don’t mess with perfection like that.

We couldn’t figure out why Lost lasted six seasons. But we’re not as confused as this guy:

Would anyone like any toast?