twitter fail blog

Alternative Title: This is Why Iowa Passed a Law Against Driving and Texting

Disclaimers:

• If the jokes in this post end up being true I will feel like a major ass.¹
• I believe everything I have written here firmly lands within the protections granted parody and/or fair use.²
• The name of my lawyer is Marc J. Randazza.³
• No one is forcing you to read this.⁴
• I would like a much bigger house. With a pool. And servants.⁵

People disappear all the time. *Poof* and they are gone. If this happens to be an attractive white woman or child, Nancy Grace will make a show about it, and she’ll shill some product or another for a few exploitive bucks.

There’s little difference on twitter. They say if you go missing for 6 months then you too will go *poof* but look through your oldest inactive followers and you will see someone is lying. Twitter is no more likely to bring themselves to delete an inactive account than a 14-year-old lesbian is to throw away a two-year-old issue of “Cosmo Girl.” The main difference here is no one cares when you update on twitter, so no one cares when you stop either. Well, no one except for me.

Take Cheryl Finello for example. She asked on Apr. 16th, “did any of you miss me???” and again on Dec. 16th, “anybody miss me?” (this time with a singular question mark signaling a spiraling descent into obvious despair. The narrative here is easy to reconstruct; presumably no one missed poor Ms. Finello so she went away… hopefully forever. The only other possible explanation: she realized there was no money to be had in her get-rich-quick schemes so she set out to get a real job.

Now, prepare for a tale of true sorrow. Exit one Lisa Holmer (this story begins with her departure). I present a transcript of her final 10 tweets:

Who is this?
1:57 PM Aug 30th, 2009 via txt

What?
11:30 AM Oct 14th, 2009 via txt

I do not know who you are and am about to complain!
2:27 PM Oct 15th, 2009 via txt

I am calling my phone company if you do not stop texting me!
12:31 PM Oct 19th, 2009 via txt

Stop spamming me!
10:48 PM Dec 7th, 2009 via txt

Stop texting me!
11:20 AM Dec 8th, 2009 via txt

I am calling the fcc now. You are breaking the law.
12:50 PM Dec 8th, 2009 via txt

Please stop texting me!!!
12:44 AM Dec 9th, 2009 via txt

Stop calling me!
12:21 AM Dec 24th, 2009 via txt

Something is wrong with me. My eyes are doing something odd. I am not sure i can drive. Give me a few minutes.
1:30 PM Dec 25th, 2009 via txt

These final updates occur over the course of four months! She’s getting texts and calls from from someone that is making her unhappy.

This is either brilliant performance art and the MOMA will be acquiring her twitter feed (like they did @) or something has gone wrong in Ms. Holmer’s life. A true reconstruction of the events leading up to the disappearance of Ms. Holmer is impossible, but this does not preclude wild speculation and a quick google stalking!

Wild Speculation:

• After a prolonged and organized campaign of harassment and terror, Holmer finally buckled, and gave up all social media.
• Didja Public Relations folded so @Didjapr was no longer needed.
• Her eyes continued to do odd things and a few minutes was all she had left.
• Ms. Holmer has joined the ranks of millions of others that has realized social media is a fad!
• The Rapture arrived, and since you’re reading this… you weren’t one of the lucky ones like her.
• The Grays! The Grays!

Stalking:
You’ll have to do your own stalking. Sure I could do your work for you, but I firmly believe that if I give a man a fish I should be paid for it (or something like that). But things you can look for: 1. A Facebook profile. 2. Additional twitter accounts. 3. A Linked In profile. 4. A business webpage. 5. Her email address. 6. Her middle name. 7. Her ring size. Consider this a virtual scavenger hunt. I found all but one of these! (If any of you figure out her ring size let me know.)

I couldn’t find any internet activity for Holmer in 2010, but to be honest, I’m lazy and didn’t try to become her Facebook friend, nor did I join Linked In, and lastly, I couldn’t be bothered to actually email her and ask. For all I know I’m worrying needlessly!

Quick, someone call Nancy Disgrace, and let her know a white woman has gone missing!

(image shamelessly cribbed from babble.com)

1. Except for the ones about Nancy Grace. I am genetically predisposed to never feel bad about anything that ever happens to this woman.
2. If you disagree, I have to respectfully request that you go fuck yourself then contact my lawyer Marc. J. Randazza.
3. Marc has no idea I have written this.
4. I can’t stop you from suing me.
5. I would like a much bigger house. With a pool. And servants.

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Thank you to Christopher L. Jorgensen, aka: Jackassletters, for taking the time and energy to look into and report on this serious(?) issue. You can read more of his investigative writing on his blog or follow him on twitter.